I was watching an interview recently wherein during the press conference of an event Aishwarya Rai was asked by a journalist, “We hope we don’t lose you to marriage and babies”, to which the actress replied, “I am looking forward to babies, I am enjoying marriage, there’s no question to lose oneself to it.”
While it may have sounded progressive or a strong response by her then, but there’s a bit of a blur in my memory to a few years post that interview that happened 17 years ago and up until 3-4 years back. Did we lose her to marriage and babies?
Well, somebody was talking about this 17 years back? Is this a real thing? Do most women feel identity loss after babies? Why hadn’t anybody told me this? I was so naive.
When I was finding my way through the trenches of postpartum why did nobody tell me it’s normal to not feel like yourself. Your body, hormones, your entirety could go for a toss and you wouldn’t even know.
Between pain, soreness, breastfeeding, pumping, bruises, heartache, and good for nothing gyaan, you often find yourself lost and it’s okay. The people you may have counted upon to take care of you and the baby may feel distant, and you may feel even more lost. People may break your heart time and again by saying things or acting like you are no longer important and you may also want to believe that but I want to tell you, don’t. Keep yourself as the centre, don’t abandon yourself, you are all you got. Everyone around you is also trying to adjust, specially your partner. Let them figure out. You focus on yourself. Ask for help shamelessly. You need it. Listen to your body, it may want to tell you about certain things that need your attention and you would want to ignore them juggling between the crying baby, their eating and sleeping, but DON’T. Cry. Write how you feel. Say NO to things you don’t want to do – shamelessly. It’s your body, your baby and your journey.
Between vaccinations, bleeding, figuring out your meals, formula or breast milk, you may feel your meals are not important, but they are. Dare you discount yourself.
Then the pressure to bounce back in your pre pregnancy body, in your pre pregnancy KRAs at work will try to catch up with you, but take it slow, you don’t have anything to prove to anybody. Again, listen to your body. Get back in touch with your therapist, your friends, your partner. Focus on strengthening your core. Get in touch with Sucheta Pal, she is doing some amazing work for us ladies.
Take work as a means to step out from shoes of just being a mother, and be yourself, the interactions you like, the people who give you positive energy. A place where you are more important that your baby. A place where people appreciate you for who you are. You need that confidence back.
Again, look at yourself in the mirror everyday, give yourself a hug and apologise to your body for the days you have abandoned it. It’s a game changer.
Days will pass and you might not realise between all this juggle, but you haven’t lifted your paints in a years time, you haven’t spoken to that friend for months now, it’s been more than a year you took any holiday, or brought yourself a sexy dress, listened to your favourite song. You may again feel lost when reality hits. You are allowed to grieve. Grieve your lost self, self worth and appreciation. And pick yourself up. Maybe write the things that give you happiness and start taking baby steps towards it. I am telling you it’s not going to be easy at all, you might want to leave your job, or take a break from work, question your relationship with your partner, not find courage to do things you like, loathe yourself in self doubt, mom guilt and what not, but book that massage, take that workshop, plan that trip, come back home to yourself again and again and again. Because it’s nobody but you, who has to stand up for yourself.
So next time it hits you that you are caught up in being the provider, come back and read this to get back to nurturing yourself !
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